Worst Wardrobe Malfunction

Dear Mr. Knightley, 

My life is over! This last week was spring break and everybody went to the beach to get away. A couple of my friends and me were in the swimming pool at the hotel and like half of the cheerleaders were tanning so we thought we’d get their attention by diving in. So we’re swimming and they start to notice us and they’re kinda gigglin and smiling, specially every time I’m getting ready to take a dive. Finally my buddy Shawn swims over looking really worried and he points at my swimshorts. Turns out the buttons on my fly were off and I had been showing off more than my diving the whole time! I’ve never felt so embaressed. Is there anything I can do so I’m not the butt of all the jokes for the rest of the year?

-Wardrobe Malfunction

Showing Off More Than Expected

Dear Wardrobe,

I know that at this moment you must be feeling anxious and worried but rest assured that everyone has had at least one moment of social scarring. And while unfortunately it does nothing to make people kinder, it does at least mean that you usually won’t have to wait too long before someone else will do something worse and everyone will forget your incident.

However, you may want to apologize to the young ladies in question. They did not ask for your indecent exposure and you ought to apologize for any inconvenience or alarm you may have caused them.

Cordially,

Mr. Knightley

Caught in the Act….

Dear Mr. Knightley, 

I’m so embaressed. Oh my god I cant believe I’m even writing this. Yesteday my boyfriend came over and we were in my room making out  and stuff and my mom came in and saw us(details removed) She doesn’t know we’re dating cause she and my dad said I can’t date till I’m out of high school but I’m a senior and she’s just driving me crazy! They’re super religios and like that.Anyway she didn’t yell or anything but didn’t say anything either so I don’t know. Should I just let it go and not bring it up? It’s super awkward and I kinda want to just tell them its my life, you know! Anyway, should I confront them or just act like nothing happened? I don’t know what to do.

-Akward Silence

Ps. I may not been wearing (details removed) when she came in…Actually he was just about to(details removed)  and then I (more details removed) but that was it.

An inopportune moment

Dear Awkard,

Well, I… I um…. let me just see here. I hope you do not mind but I did take the liberty of editing some of the more… extravagant details from your message. I mean no disrespect of course, I am merely thinking of the sensitivities of some of my readers. But I do think your question is a valid one and should be answered.

In short, I think that experience often proves that heeding the advice of someone older and wiser can be very much in your favor. And your parents can only be seeking your best interest and advancement in attempting to limit the amount of men in your life at this point in time. You may mistakingly place your affection in a fortune hunter or perhaps a man of less noble intentions, only to have your heart and dreams shattered. Not to speak of your own and your family’s honor. Now is the season of life that you should be refining yourself, polishing all of your finest skills and noble traits that an honorable man will seek in his future companion.

Regardless of whether you head my advice or not, I would strongly recommend you go to your parents and attempt to make amends. No matter how poorly their parenting may have been or how strongly you feel their interest conflicted concerning your future, they are still your parents after all and unless you are considering elopement (which ends poorly more often than not) you will have to live with them for maybe some considerable amount of time. Go to your mother, contrite and with humility, and ask her forgiveness. Sincerely if at all possible, but in the very least, for both your own comfort and her own, with the appearance of sincerity.

Youth can be a most trying season, and often it seems the end of the world. This is the magnificence of youth, to see all in greatest wonder and terror. When looking back, you’ll see the insignificance of many of your current tragedies. But you will also have something else. The flames you kindle now will be the sweetest to your memory, the loves the dearest to your heart. Take great care where you plant your affection, for it will be present with you for the rest of your days.

Cordially,
Mr. Knightley

Post Script: Again, I mean no offense but for future correspondence sake here is a small note: the correct spelling is embarrassed, yesterday, and religious.