Category Archives: Letters about Self

The Musical Recommendation

Mr Knightley

All my friends seem to be so talented. And I suck. I want to start playing an instrument but I don’t know which one to start on. What instrument would you recommend?

Thank you,

Musically Inclined

Musically inclined

You can’t stop the music

Dear Inclined,

I would recommend the glockenspiel myself. Not enough people can appreciate the subtle nuances of glockenspielsong anymore. Also, if you find it difficult, you may also want to pick up the ukulele.

Below is a video describing the positive aspects of ukulele music.

And beneath that is a quick instructional video on playing that same song.

Have fun,

Mr Knightley

Hearing Voices


i feel like there’s two people inside of my head and one of them is a young girl and wants to have fun and do things and then I have this old woman inside of me that just says that I should wait and not do it because I might be pregnant or get a disease or stuff so what should I do thanks. KiKi

Dissociative Identity Disorder in Regency Era

Yes, my precious…

Dear KiKi,

You may need to seek mental help. However, if the old woman begins to refer to you as her precious and to make you inclined to go down deep dark holes and retrieve ancient elfen rings, that may turn out to be a good time, so give it a whirl. Other than that, don’t do drugs and stay in school I guess.


Mr Knightley

Breathless for Breasts

Mr Knightley

I will just be frank. I like to look at boobs. But not fake ones or ones on the computer. I mean real life ones in person. But I am not very attractive so getting a girlfriend is not a option. I know you do not usually answer questions like this, but how can I find some, without a girlfriend?


Jane Austen Breast Obsession

So that’s what they look like in real life…

Dear Bob,

Strip clubs.
The thing you are describing are strip clubs.
Glad to help.
Stay away from my neighborhood.

Very Sincerely,

Mr. Knightley

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Worst Wardrobe Malfunction

Dear Mr. Knightley, 

My life is over! This last week was spring break and everybody went to the beach to get away. A couple of my friends and me were in the swimming pool at the hotel and like half of the cheerleaders were tanning so we thought we’d get their attention by diving in. So we’re swimming and they start to notice us and they’re kinda gigglin and smiling, specially every time I’m getting ready to take a dive. Finally my buddy Shawn swims over looking really worried and he points at my swimshorts. Turns out the buttons on my fly were off and I had been showing off more than my diving the whole time! I’ve never felt so embaressed. Is there anything I can do so I’m not the butt of all the jokes for the rest of the year?

-Wardrobe Malfunction

Wardrobe Malfunction

Showing Off More Than Expected

Dear Wardrobe,

I know that at this moment you must be feeling anxious and worried but rest assured that everyone has had at least one moment of social scarring. And while unfortunately it does nothing to make people kinder, it does at least mean that you usually won’t have to wait too long before someone else will do something worse and everyone will forget your incident.

However, you may want to apologize to the young ladies in question. They did not ask for your indecent exposure and you ought to apologize for any inconvenience or alarm you may have caused them.


Mr. Knightley

Concerning Concealment….

Dear Mr. Knightley,

Is a woman far more beautiful in the circumstance that she creates a synthetic face each morning and forbids anyone from seeing her God given face? Or is it more likely admired bare and organic? Think in terms of her face being seen by both men and women.

-Organica Olivia


Natural or Fake?

Natural or Fake?


Dear Organica (goodness!),

It has often been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but, while this may be true, there are certain perimeters that do exist. Many a lady had driven a man from her door by descending her staircase painted like a Cheapside harlot. And just as many could have retained the objects of their desire, had they paid a little more care to the condition of their eyebrows or the state of their hair.

This is not to say that one ought to change one’s appearance completely. First, because even if your husband never surprises you in your boudoir before you have a chance to dab some rouge, you can rest assured that there will come a day when you are either too ill, or too far removed from civilized society, or too great with child that you won’t be able to maintain your facade and he will see your true face. But more importantly, the further a woman removes herself from the position nature bestowed upon her, the more artificial she seems, and believe me when I say that while none of her friends may comment on it, everyone in society will be able to tell. And unfortunately society always speaks.

No, a woman is best suited to use her powders and colours not to hide defects but rather to enhance and exhibit the graces that nature has already gifted her with. To proudly exhibit a high forehead, an elegant nose, or well constrained teeth. Attempting to hide defects and blemishes only serves to draw further attention to them. As long as orderly hygiene is maintained, the lesser blemishes will quite easily fade, especially in the light of the natural graces that are highlighted instead.

And in the spirit of fairness, I will add a quick note that the same rules apply to men as well, in a lesser degree. One can easily differentiate a dandy, a fop, a beggar, and a lord upon the street. So too can and will others.

But remember, my dear, no rouge is needed for the cheeks already invigorated through exercise and fresh air.

Mr. Knightley