The Inebriated Housemate

Dear Mr Knightley

My flatmate is always getting pissed. What do I do about it? He’s super annoying and then he passes out all over the place. We have our flat for another four months and I can hardly stand it anymore.

Cheers

Matt

Staying thirsty?

Dear Matt,

Next time your flatmate is passed out drunk, grind up some estrogen pills and slowly feed them to him. Each time he does it continue to administer estrogen. Soy or common sage are also great sources of plant based estrogen. Within a few months he will begin to develop breasts. This will most likely prevent him from wanting to go out and “socialize”. If he drinks at home, put a diuretic in his liquor. That way he has to pee constantly, keeping him sober and out of the main rooms. This may be a teeny bit illegal depending on where you live though, so check your local laws first.

Sincerely,

Mr Knightley

An Indecent Proposal

Dear Mr Knightley and Mrs. Jenings, 

So I’ll just give you the short version. My boyfriend proposed to me. And I told him no. Not because I don’t love him, but because we’re just not at a good place right now. We’re living together and its been super stressful trying to balance that with work and going to school as well. Right now I almost feel like I need a break from a relationship, not to be starting a deeper and more complicated chapter in our lives. Of course he took it personally and now he’s talking about moving out. Honestly, I almost feel like that would be better. But I also don’t want to lose him. Because like I said, I do love him. I feel really trapped right now and I don’t have any close friends here in Boston so I was hoping I could try to bounce this off of you two and see if either of you had some advice. I know you’re trying to be clever or funny with this blog but a lot of the stuff I’ve seen on here have been surprisingly good. So thanks. I look forward to your answer. If you don’t want to feature this one on the blog you can just email me at (email removed). 

Thanks, 

Kelsey 

The Wrong Question

My Dear Kelsey,

You are quite a smart girl indeed. For you have behaved very well in this situation. You are still young and I daresay many a young gentleman may still court your hand. Taking the very first offer of marriage you receive would be foolishness indeed! Now as for the young man, you must not let him feel too down hearted. That is not to say accept his proposal. Only make sure that he feels that there is still some hope. Do not let him feel like some jilted lover, but rather that he is just another poor wretch suffering under Cupid heavy burden of unrequited love. That way if you find, in time of course, that you do in fact wish to be his wife, you may finally “come round” and return his feelings. He will feel all the greater for having endured loves trials and prevailed, as all men do feel when they get to conquer something, and you may have the satisfaction of knowing that you have made a choice to ensure you own happiness forever.

Regarding this whole matter of living together, it may be difficult to keep him at a distance far enough to entertain other suitors if he does live with you. So perhaps severing your current arrangement would be best. Only again, make sure to ensure his affection for you before you sever it. This is of the utmost importance!

Best of luck dear girl!

Mrs. Jenings