The Inebriated Housemate

Dear Mr Knightley

My flatmate is always getting pissed. What do I do about it? He’s super annoying and then he passes out all over the place. We have our flat for another four months and I can hardly stand it anymore.

Cheers

Matt

Staying thirsty?

Dear Matt,

Next time your flatmate is passed out drunk, grind up some estrogen pills and slowly feed them to him. Each time he does it continue to administer estrogen. Soy or common sage are also great sources of plant based estrogen. Within a few months he will begin to develop breasts. This will most likely prevent him from wanting to go out and “socialize”. If he drinks at home, put a diuretic in his liquor. That way he has to pee constantly, keeping him sober and out of the main rooms. This may be a teeny bit illegal depending on where you live though, so check your local laws first.

Sincerely,

Mr Knightley

The Musical Recommendation

Mr Knightley

All my friends seem to be so talented. And I suck. I want to start playing an instrument but I don’t know which one to start on. What instrument would you recommend?

Thank you,

Musically Inclined

You can’t stop the music

Dear Inclined,

I would recommend the glockenspiel myself. Not enough people can appreciate the subtle nuances of glockenspielsong anymore. Also, if you find it difficult, you may also want to pick up the ukulele.

Below is a video describing the positive aspects of ukulele music.

And beneath that is a quick instructional video on playing that same song.

Have fun,

Mr Knightley

Hearing Voices

Knightley

i feel like there’s two people inside of my head and one of them is a young girl and wants to have fun and do things and then I have this old woman inside of me that just says that I should wait and not do it because I might be pregnant or get a disease or stuff so what should I do thanks. KiKi

Yes, my precious…

Dear KiKi,

You may need to seek mental help. However, if the old woman begins to refer to you as her precious and to make you inclined to go down deep dark holes and retrieve ancient elfen rings, that may turn out to be a good time, so give it a whirl. Other than that, don’t do drugs and stay in school I guess.

Cordially,

Mr Knightley

How to Be a Gold Digger

Dear Nightly,

What do you think about gold diggers? You know those poeple who use other people’s love to get things? My roommate is currently seeing a man much older than her. I know she doesn’t love him. But he buys are all this stuff so thats why she loves him. She says its the best and I should do it too. How can I become a gold digger?

-PlatinumB*tch

Now I aint saying she’s a gold digger…

Dear Platinum,

The best way to go about getting what is commonly known as a “sugar daddy” is to work at a high end cocktail and cigar bar, on a golf course, or as a maid for hire to a rich family. You must act confident, aloof, and wear slightly revealing clothing. Focus on making your backside look well, since that tends to be somewhat of a fixation for older, wealthier men. Then, you must act as if the jokes he tells are extremely funny. Don’t always let him slap your backside. Sometimes act uninterested. This way, you will real him in until finally you have him hooked. Just be warned, a younger or prettier girl could easily steal him away, so be on your guard. Do not let any competitor live… or at least walk away.

Best of luck on your endeavors,

Mr Knightley