Tag Archives: boyfriend

Using Their Past to Hurt Her

Dear Mr. Knightley,

While I was involved with a young man, I confided in him.  He continually found fault in me, and I made attempts to improve myself, and encourage him in his life and work.  Occasionally, he would concede that his requests were boorish (including that I should drink alcohol with him – for no other reason than he’d never seen me drink), but on the whole, I felt enslaved when I was involved with him.

I eventually escaped the involvement, but when I see him socially now (very rarely – he is a friend of a friend and so I cannot wholly avoid him), he always asks the most cutting questions, based on my confidences.  He does not wish to discuss only small matters, which would help me keep my composure.  He seems to regard this incisive manner as being kind, rather than being the cruel, rude, gesture it feels to me.

I sincerely regret taking him into my confidence, and the involvement on the whole – but I cannot take it back.  May I ask for your advice on how to appear blithe or steer the conversation away from my confidences?

Thank you.

Miss Garrulous and Sorry

Male Female interactions in regency era

He said what?!?

Dear Miss Garrulous,

That is a difficult situation you find yourself in. Here are a few practical tips that may help.

Speak to him confidentially. This would be the hardest thing to do, because it means facing him. However, this is also the only way you can ensure that he knows that what he is doing is hurting you emotionally and causing difficulties in conversation. Be frank with him, ask him to stop, and if you want to be gracious you can even say you’re sure he didn’t mean to cause distress and that’s why you’re telling him to avoid any feelings of ill will.

Now, if he knows what he’s doing is making you uncomfortable and he’s simply a massive prick and continues doing it, then you have a few options. You can attempt to avoid him as best as possible. However this will be difficult since you are in the same social circle.

You can also just out rightly ignore him and his remarks. I do warn you that this will make for extremely uncomfortable social situations at first, but at least, by not even acknowledging his remarks, you will be clearly signaling your disapproval to everyone involved, and socially the burden of justifying his remark will then be on him. In a high society situation, this usually also brings the scorn of all those around him, because he is then viewed as causing unrest in the social situation. But in a more private and intimate situation, this doesn’t work as well.

As for appearing blithe, you have two options. The first option is to laugh. Laugh at whatever remark or dig he makes. It is a well known fact that laughter can remove the venom and momentum from any remark. If you laugh at his remark you turn his wit back on him. You make him the object of ridicule. This will not work will all situations but it will work with many.

The other, though not recommended manner of dealing with his remarks is to take the fight to him. You know him intimately and if you know he is going to bring up sensitive questions about your past, then beat him to the punch. Bring up something of his. Make the same kind of remark he would make to you. While this very aggressive and has a high risk (since he may then use any of the above techniques on you, such as ignoring or laughing) it may also be helpful in showing him how he treats other. A word of warning though: do not attempt a preemptive strike in a large social situation. It has a higher risk of backfiring.

Best of Luck,

Mr Knightley

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Trusting Blindly

Dear Mr. Knightley, 

I just wanted a soundingboard I guess but basically me and my boyfriend plan on moving out soon and I’ve been asking him about when we move out how things are gonna work, like location and getting around and stuff. And he’s been saying that it won’t be a problem and I should just trust him and that everything will be fine. And I trust him completely and everything but I feel really apprehensive about moving out without knowing what our plan is suppose to be. I feel like he’s asking me to be blindfolded and just trust him to lead me around and that makes me super uncomfortable. I mean, do I just have trust issues for not wanting to trust him? Should I just stop asking and just let him take the lead? 

-Blind Banshee

Blinded by Trust?

Dear Blind,

While your boyfriend may have the best intention I think that you should seriously speak to him about the matter. There is no reason he would have on concealing anything from you regarding his plans, unless there is something he knows you’ll disapprove of. Or perhaps he has not actually made any plans yet and is either stalling or  procrastinating. Either way it is better for you to find these things out now, rather than later when the decisions have already been made for you. And it may not even be anything bad. He may genuinely want to save you from the hassle and trouble involved. However, this is as much your decision as it is his, and as with all decisions you need to be as well informed as possible in order to make the right decision.

Cordially,
Mr. Knightley


An Indecent Proposal

Dear Mr Knightley and Mrs. Jenings, 

So I’ll just give you the short version. My boyfriend proposed to me. And I told him no. Not because I don’t love him, but because we’re just not at a good place right now. We’re living together and its been super stressful trying to balance that with work and going to school as well. Right now I almost feel like I need a break from a relationship, not to be starting a deeper and more complicated chapter in our lives. Of course he took it personally and now he’s talking about moving out. Honestly, I almost feel like that would be better. But I also don’t want to lose him. Because like I said, I do love him. I feel really trapped right now and I don’t have any close friends here in Boston so I was hoping I could try to bounce this off of you two and see if either of you had some advice. I know you’re trying to be clever or funny with this blog but a lot of the stuff I’ve seen on here have been surprisingly good. So thanks. I look forward to your answer. If you don’t want to feature this one on the blog you can just email me at (email removed). 

Thanks, 

Kelsey 

The Proposal

The Wrong Question

My Dear Kelsey,

You are quite a smart girl indeed. For you have behaved very well in this situation. You are still young and I daresay many a young gentleman may still court your hand. Taking the very first offer of marriage you receive would be foolishness indeed! Now as for the young man, you must not let him feel too down hearted. That is not to say accept his proposal. Only make sure that he feels that there is still some hope. Do not let him feel like some jilted lover, but rather that he is just another poor wretch suffering under Cupid heavy burden of unrequited love. That way if you find, in time of course, that you do in fact wish to be his wife, you may finally “come round” and return his feelings. He will feel all the greater for having endured loves trials and prevailed, as all men do feel when they get to conquer something, and you may have the satisfaction of knowing that you have made a choice to ensure you own happiness forever.

Regarding this whole matter of living together, it may be difficult to keep him at a distance far enough to entertain other suitors if he does live with you. So perhaps severing your current arrangement would be best. Only again, make sure to ensure his affection for you before you sever it. This is of the utmost importance!

Best of luck dear girl!

Mrs. Jenings


Caught in the Act….

Dear Mr. Knightley, 

I’m so embaressed. Oh my god I cant believe I’m even writing this. Yesteday my boyfriend came over and we were in my room making out  and stuff and my mom came in and saw us(details removed) She doesn’t know we’re dating cause she and my dad said I can’t date till I’m out of high school but I’m a senior and she’s just driving me crazy! They’re super religios and like that.Anyway she didn’t yell or anything but didn’t say anything either so I don’t know. Should I just let it go and not bring it up? It’s super awkward and I kinda want to just tell them its my life, you know! Anyway, should I confront them or just act like nothing happened? I don’t know what to do.

-Akward Silence

Ps. I may not been wearing (details removed) when she came in…Actually he was just about to(details removed)  and then I (more details removed) but that was it.

Lovers caught in the act

An inopportune moment

Dear Awkard,

Well, I… I um…. let me just see here. I hope you do not mind but I did take the liberty of editing some of the more… extravagant details from your message. I mean no disrespect of course, I am merely thinking of the sensitivities of some of my readers. But I do think your question is a valid one and should be answered.

In short, I think that experience often proves that heeding the advice of someone older and wiser can be very much in your favor. And your parents can only be seeking your best interest and advancement in attempting to limit the amount of men in your life at this point in time. You may mistakingly place your affection in a fortune hunter or perhaps a man of less noble intentions, only to have your heart and dreams shattered. Not to speak of your own and your family’s honor. Now is the season of life that you should be refining yourself, polishing all of your finest skills and noble traits that an honorable man will seek in his future companion.

Regardless of whether you head my advice or not, I would strongly recommend you go to your parents and attempt to make amends. No matter how poorly their parenting may have been or how strongly you feel their interest conflicted concerning your future, they are still your parents after all and unless you are considering elopement (which ends poorly more often than not) you will have to live with them for maybe some considerable amount of time. Go to your mother, contrite and with humility, and ask her forgiveness. Sincerely if at all possible, but in the very least, for both your own comfort and her own, with the appearance of sincerity.

Youth can be a most trying season, and often it seems the end of the world. This is the magnificence of youth, to see all in greatest wonder and terror. When looking back, you’ll see the insignificance of many of your current tragedies. But you will also have something else. The flames you kindle now will be the sweetest to your memory, the loves the dearest to your heart. Take great care where you plant your affection, for it will be present with you for the rest of your days.

Cordially,
Mr. Knightley

Post Script: Again, I mean no offense but for future correspondence sake here is a small note: the correct spelling is embarrassed, yesterday, and religious.


A Quagmire in Questioning…

Dear Mr. Knightley,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now (last april we moved in together) but lately I’ve been feeling like he’s been drifting. It’s like he’s not spending any time with me. He’s doesn’t do things for me anymore like he did before. He doesn’t even say “I love you” anymore. I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore, or not as much, or I don’t know.

I guess my question is, how do I talk to him about it? I wanna ask him if he still loves me, but I don’t know how.

Sincerely,

Questioning Love

Dear Questioning (what a pretty name),

I must say, I do find this whole matter between you and your beloved somewhat troubling.

You see, when a man loves a woman, he often goes to great lengths to tell her that. Initially. He may buy her some ribbon in a shop window that he noticed she had her eye on, or he may pick her a nosegay on the walk up the lane to her father’s house. This all cumulates in his declaration of affection. However, once he has accomplished that, he often feels as if the deed has been done and sees no reason why it ought to be repeated. Your beloved may simply feel that his task is complete.

Contrarily, it may also be that he is unsure of his affection for you, or that it may even lie with another. If you were to confront him about this, his response will vary, depending upon the kind of man he is. If he is an honorable man, he will tell you the truth, which may be unsettling to hear (and many woman declare that they would rather not know, though, how sincere the sentiment is I do not know), but which will allow you to better understand what is happening and what to do about it.

If he is not an honorable man, then why in heaven’s name would you continue your association with him? A man of disrepute would only be a stain upon your honor and the honor of your family. And men such as those often leave havoc and destruction in their wake. But if you insist on continuing your relation with him, then be advised that he may shower you with love again after confronting him, but this love, while appeasing your heart for a time, is insincere and will only leave you all the more heartbroken in the end.

Either way, it is best I think, to speak to him and allow the question burning in your heart to be heard. He may be bringing you pain unawares, and this will allow him to mend his ways. Or perhaps he is unsure of his heart, and this will allow him to see the damage his insecurity has brought, and may mobilize him to reevaluate his heart and where his affections ought to lie.

Save yourself the agonizingly long distress of keeping this question inside.

Cordially,

Mr. Knightley