Tag Archives: friends

She Already Has A Boyfriend

Dear Mr. Knightley, 

I have a problem. I am in love with one of my best friends’ friends. But she’s in a relationship. And I know its wrong and I know I should stay clear of her, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before. No other relationship I’ve ever had has felt this way, this real. It’s hard to describe. Just thinking of her makes me feel warm and funny and I start grinning like some idiot. And I can’t even speak around her and my heart starts beating like crazy and I feel sick to my stomach. Since she and my best friend are friends, we spend a lot of time together, just the three of us. Which is so terrible because I know I should stay away from her but when I’m away from her I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stay away from her. I can’t stop thinking about her. But I want to respect her relationship too. I don’t know what to do. It all feels so hopeless.

-Kyle

Three's a Crowd

Dear Kyle,

I am very sorry to hear about your sad situation. You are not alone. There are many men who are in similar situations as your own. Too often it seems love’s arrows only land where we cannot retrieve them. You are right in saying that you should not associate with the young lady. But it is definitely easier said than done. Love can be so painful and yet addictive all at the same time. One can often feel torn between what one knows one ought to do and what one wants to do.

However, you may want to consider some personal questions first. Do you feel that this is truly more than a passing fancy? Then you may wish to wait it out, remaining only her friend, until such time as you may be able to make your suit. However, know that your chance may never come if you do that. If at all possible you may wish rather to break off the friendship all together. It will be hard and painful but not as painful as the thousand and one small deaths you will die each time you are forced to be in her company and know that you may never reveal your true intentions to her.

Know that which ever route you take you will be forced to endure hardships. But both ends will be well worth it. If you decide to remain by her side it will not be easy. But if you are able to finally tell her how you truly feel, it will be a well deserved reward. If you decide to forgo her company, then it will also be difficult. However, when you finally do find that special girl whose love you may pursue freely, you will be glad to have cut all these ties you feel now. So know that while both paths are difficult, both may be well worth it in the end of the day.

Cordially,
Mr. Knightley


Getting Tangled in the Undergrowth…

Dear Mr. Knightley, 

I am not a lady to throw myself in the path of other men; on the contrary, I am twice as likely to throw myself off of it…especially when the man is one I admire.

I know this is most impractical. Firstly, however, I am terribly shy. Secondly, I cannot shake the feeling that to pursue the object of my admiration under pretenses of friendship would be dishonest. For I feel, you see, so much more, though I am hardly well-enough acquainted with the gentleman to justify more direct flirtation.

But I tire of hiding in bushes as my gentleman passes by. It is degrading, and further more, I’m beginning to acquire leaf stains on all my favorite frocks. In short, I most humbly beg your advice.

I am yours, etc.

Offroaded Admirer

 

 

 

Dear Offroaded,

Let me begin first by saying that those women who throw themselves so wantonly in the path of men at the blink of an eye are most certainly not acting as any true lady ought to. A lady does herself no favor in so desperately pursuing a man, no matter what his rank may be. For not only will her motives be questioned but she will also find that men take greatest delight in the pursuit of a beautiful woman but when they find their target too readily or too easily, they often lose interest fairly quickly. It is much better to let a gentleman pursue you, giving him small signs and tokens of affection but holding back slightly, as to arouse his curiosity and enhance your own air of mystery. But keep in mind, having a reception too cold, too modest, or too dignified may thwart a gentleman’s suit all together.

However, it seems to me that your currently methods, of throwing yourself off the path all together, may mean that you never even reach this point. A gentleman cannot pursue your heart if he does not have the opportunity to do so. This is why it is so vital to stay upon the road. Even as the wanton must resist pitching themselves at the gentleman, the trepidatious must resist the urge to flee. Love requires bravery, as all things of true worth do.

Regarding your thoughts on using friendship, there is a crucial difference to be grasped. Pursuing the object of your desire under the pretense of friendship is dishonorable indeed, however, pursuing the honest friendship of the one you desire is in no way dishonorable. It is only in knowing him a little better that you may realize if he truly is the man of integrity and honor that his impressions have painted him to be. And it may be that in gaining your friendship that small ember of love may be quickened in his heart as well.

Let me warn you though from bitter truths reaped from my own path, it is by no means easy, to be so close and intimate with the one you truly love and respect and regard above all others, and to know that they may not ever see you in the same light. But a very wise man once wrote, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. And Love conquors all.”

If what you feel is so strong, then draw strength from it and stand strong upon the road. Let him draw nearer to you, and draw near to him as well. Learn to know your gentleman a bit better and allow him to know you more. It is only this way that mutual admiration and regard can blossom into the sweetest of all life’s blooms.

Cordially,

Mr. Knightley

Post Script. You may find this helpful in dealing with your stained frocks http://janeaustensworld.wordpress.com/2007/07/24/every-day-chores-of-laundry-and-scullery-maids-and-washer-women/


An Issue of Intellect….

Dear Mr. Knightly,

I have a friend who is a loner, an extremely smart nerd with almost no other friends. I hate to see him so alone as he always lights up when someone notices him. I want to reach out, but I feel I’m not smart enough to really maintain a friendship on his intellectual level. When he talks to other smart kids, he’s smiling and happy. When he talks to me, his eyes sort of glaze over. How can I be a good friend?

Sincerely,
Not Smart Enough

dark and quiet

I am smiling

Dear Not,

Your encounter is not a strange one, by any means. Many people of great genius keep very few friends, often because its either hard for others to understand them and their ways, or because it is hard for them to understand other people.

Of greatest importance is that you accurately recognize those small, subtle signs which people project about them. You say your friend’s face lights up around other intellectuals. However, do not assume that this means your friend seeks their friendship. He may only be in awe of their intellect and wisdom. Similarly you should not take his nonchalant gaze to mean he is not interested in your friendship. The more time you spend in his presence the more accurate your readings shall become.

However, if you find that you are in fact correct there are several different remedies to apply.

First of all, you may want to engage him on several different topics and see which one interest him the most. It may very well be that his lack of vigor in your conversations stems merely from the wrong subjects. If he has talked about something passionately in the past, bring it up again, ask questions, not in a challenging sort of way but rather in an inquisitive manner. However, if you notice agitation then your questions may in fact not be stimulating but rather irritating. Desist immediately to avoid damage to the relationship.

A second option is if you cannot make your own company tolerable, then create a company that can be. He who stands surrounded by stars appears the sun. That is to say, if you surround yourself with other people of various intellectual past times and pursuits your own company may seem more palatable, especially to someone of specific tastes. He may find other friends there, which seems to be partially your goal, and you may meet other intellectuals as well, thereby broadening your own personal salon. This will also help in relieving the pressure you feel to match his merits.

However, there is one option you may not already have tried that may be worth your efforts. Your friend may not in fact be seeking someone else who is intellectual. It is most often the case that intellectuals enjoy the company of those who can appreciate their intellect. One does not have to be an intellectual to be able to show appreciation for their knowledge and contributions. You mentioned that he is desirous of attention. It may be that is what he truly needs in you as a friend, not matching his knowledge but rather appreciating it. It may be well worth your time to attempt this, before attempting any of the other, more strenuous endeavors above.

Above all, I would recommend that you reassess your own personal value in yourself. There are many kinds of intellect in the world, and everyone is a genius at something, if one is willing to look hard enough. The way you can be the very best friend is by realizing your own self worth. Only then can you truly appreciate the worth of those around you.

Cordially,
Mr. Knightley


The Lone must Languish….

Dear Mr Knightley,
I have been single for a while now and my friends are starting to try to convince me that I need to get out and date again.  They haven’t gotten to the point of actively setting me up yet, but they are hinting that I should to be going places where the right sort of guys would be likely to find me.  I don’t really want to be in another relationship at the moment, but my friends are often wiser than me.  Should I stand my ground?  What should I do?

Lone Wolf

 

Lonely

Lonely and Lachrymose

 

Dear Lone,

Please excuse me if it seems to me that the explanation to your query is somewhat simple. All you must do is ask yourself one simple question: whose judgement do you trust the most? That is to say, if you were to make an honest assessment of your past, whose judgement concerning relationships has proven more true? For some people, their own judgement is an ever fixed lodestone and if they simply follow their heart they find their happiness. However, for others (and I dare say most), their judgement is impaired when it comes to relationships. This is the great benefit of companionship.

However, if you have established that you are in fact the better judge of your relations than your close companions, head not their foolish directions but rather follow that of your heart. Only, take care that past failures do not allow self doubt to stalk in, which could distort your perception of your situation. If your heart has proven true in the past, then let it lead you, and fear not to tread its path, for truest, surest love is an ever fixed mark and it can weather the seas of maidenhood until you find the man destined to claim your heart.

But do not discredit the views of your companions all together. They may sometimes still see a bit farther than you can. Instead, while they simply advise you, allow them, taking all their advice with consideration and a measure of salt. If they do insist on introducing you to a gentleman, do not resist them, but rather, with all graciousness becoming a lady, allow the meeting to take place and use it to hone your own skill in conversation and wit. Remember, no matter the situation, there is always some manner of improving oneself to be found in any situation, as long as one’s mind is clear and one’s heart is focused.

And who knows, there is always a chance that one of these chance encounters of a friend’s doing may lead to that most bless’d love that we all so longingly seek after.

Cordially,
Mr. Knightley