Category Archives: Letters about Relationships

Love in a Playhouse

Dear Mr Knightley,

About a month ago I began stage-managing for a play (basically I’m the person that keeps everyone in line and makes sure there’s a show to put on after rehearsals are over), and I quickly became attracted to one of the actors. He’s funny, kind, thoughtful, and extremely talented. At first I didn’t think I had a chance (aside from being generally out of my league, he’s also about five years older than me), but we’ve become more and more familiar with each other. He’ll tease me, and joke with me, and recently he’s sought me out to tell me a story just because he thought it’d make me laugh (and it did).

I’ve never really been serious about anyone, but I know I’d be kicking myself forever if I didn’t at least try to…make something of this. Anyway, there’s only a week left of the play, and then I’m not sure if I’ll see him again. I wouldn’t exactly call us friends, so how should I go about…becoming a part of his life, I guess? I don’t want to just ask him out and have that be the end of it. I want to get to know him. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Growing Desperate

 

Don't mix signals

Are they on the same page?

 

Dear Desperate,

 

It can often be difficult to try and navigate the frightening world of relationships. Especially when they begin to bud in a “professional” type setting. You are absolutely right in wanting to take things slow and establish some credibility first.

You might wish to try and ask him to coffee. This does not have to necessarily be a date. It’s simply coffee. During the conversation, try to find out as much about him and his interests as you can. Identify areas of common interest, and ask how he goes about pursuing them. Eventually the subject of events, or meetings or gatherings or conventions will come up. This is your golden opportunity to spend more time with him. To slowly and carefully integrate yourself into his life.

This will also give you a chance to get to know him better. Which means you’ll be able to really tell if you want to be more than friends.

 

Best of Luck,

Mr Knightley

 

 

 

 


The Inebriated Housemate

Dear Mr Knightley

My flatmate is always getting pissed. What do I do about it? He’s super annoying and then he passes out all over the place. We have our flat for another four months and I can hardly stand it anymore.

Cheers

Matt

Drunk Off His Ass

Staying thirsty?

Dear Matt,

Next time your flatmate is passed out drunk, grind up some estrogen pills and slowly feed them to him. Each time he does it continue to administer estrogen. Soy or common sage are also great sources of plant based estrogen. Within a few months he will begin to develop breasts. This will most likely prevent him from wanting to go out and “socialize”. If he drinks at home, put a diuretic in his liquor. That way he has to pee constantly, keeping him sober and out of the main rooms. This may be a teeny bit illegal depending on where you live though, so check your local laws first.

Sincerely,

Mr Knightley


How to Be a Gold Digger

Dear Nightly,

What do you think about gold diggers? You know those poeple who use other people’s love to get things? My roommate is currently seeing a man much older than her. I know she doesn’t love him. But he buys are all this stuff so thats why she loves him. She says its the best and I should do it too. How can I become a gold digger?

-PlatinumB*tch

Sugar Daddy

Now I aint saying she’s a gold digger…

Dear Platinum,

The best way to go about getting what is commonly known as a “sugar daddy” is to work at a high end cocktail and cigar bar, on a golf course, or as a maid for hire to a rich family. You must act confident, aloof, and wear slightly revealing clothing. Focus on making your backside look well, since that tends to be somewhat of a fixation for older, wealthier men. Then, you must act as if the jokes he tells are extremely funny. Don’t always let him slap your backside. Sometimes act uninterested. This way, you will real him in until finally you have him hooked. Just be warned, a younger or prettier girl could easily steal him away, so be on your guard. Do not let any competitor live… or at least walk away.

Best of luck on your endeavors,

Mr Knightley

 


Using Their Past to Hurt Her

Dear Mr. Knightley,

While I was involved with a young man, I confided in him.  He continually found fault in me, and I made attempts to improve myself, and encourage him in his life and work.  Occasionally, he would concede that his requests were boorish (including that I should drink alcohol with him – for no other reason than he’d never seen me drink), but on the whole, I felt enslaved when I was involved with him.

I eventually escaped the involvement, but when I see him socially now (very rarely – he is a friend of a friend and so I cannot wholly avoid him), he always asks the most cutting questions, based on my confidences.  He does not wish to discuss only small matters, which would help me keep my composure.  He seems to regard this incisive manner as being kind, rather than being the cruel, rude, gesture it feels to me.

I sincerely regret taking him into my confidence, and the involvement on the whole – but I cannot take it back.  May I ask for your advice on how to appear blithe or steer the conversation away from my confidences?

Thank you.

Miss Garrulous and Sorry

Male Female interactions in regency era

He said what?!?

Dear Miss Garrulous,

That is a difficult situation you find yourself in. Here are a few practical tips that may help.

Speak to him confidentially. This would be the hardest thing to do, because it means facing him. However, this is also the only way you can ensure that he knows that what he is doing is hurting you emotionally and causing difficulties in conversation. Be frank with him, ask him to stop, and if you want to be gracious you can even say you’re sure he didn’t mean to cause distress and that’s why you’re telling him to avoid any feelings of ill will.

Now, if he knows what he’s doing is making you uncomfortable and he’s simply a massive prick and continues doing it, then you have a few options. You can attempt to avoid him as best as possible. However this will be difficult since you are in the same social circle.

You can also just out rightly ignore him and his remarks. I do warn you that this will make for extremely uncomfortable social situations at first, but at least, by not even acknowledging his remarks, you will be clearly signaling your disapproval to everyone involved, and socially the burden of justifying his remark will then be on him. In a high society situation, this usually also brings the scorn of all those around him, because he is then viewed as causing unrest in the social situation. But in a more private and intimate situation, this doesn’t work as well.

As for appearing blithe, you have two options. The first option is to laugh. Laugh at whatever remark or dig he makes. It is a well known fact that laughter can remove the venom and momentum from any remark. If you laugh at his remark you turn his wit back on him. You make him the object of ridicule. This will not work will all situations but it will work with many.

The other, though not recommended manner of dealing with his remarks is to take the fight to him. You know him intimately and if you know he is going to bring up sensitive questions about your past, then beat him to the punch. Bring up something of his. Make the same kind of remark he would make to you. While this very aggressive and has a high risk (since he may then use any of the above techniques on you, such as ignoring or laughing) it may also be helpful in showing him how he treats other. A word of warning though: do not attempt a preemptive strike in a large social situation. It has a higher risk of backfiring.

Best of Luck,

Mr Knightley


How to Write a Letter of Unrequited Love

Dear mr knightley

I’m in love with a boy who doesn’t love me. I’ve decided to write him a latter about how I feel. But I don’t know what to say. What would you write?

Sincerely,
Wordless

Sent from my iPhone

quil letter written regency era

What to say, what to say…

Dear Wordless,

Well. If I were to write a letter such as this it would probably begin by saying how very glad I am that he is reading the letter. Then I would use that to transition into saying how he makes me happy.

Some men (who shan’t be mentioned) might say how in vain they have struggled but how it is not to be helped. That they ardently love. Against their reason and better judgement. While this sounds romantic it is in fact a bad idea. Because you would be telling the person you love that you wish you didn’t have to love them but you have to. Like getting a bad pair of stockings for Christmas and having to wear them.

I would be honest and genuin. I would say how I feel. And also that I understand that he doesn’t feel the same way. And that this letter does not come with any new expectation. That it is simply something I must get off my chest to be honest.

Of course, I would then also add that perhaps at the next village ball I may enjoy a dance or merely a turn about the room. Your gentleman friend may be a bit more at ease with that.

Best of luck, Wordless. May you find the right words.

Cordially,
Mr Knightley


It’s Not Murder if You Yell Surprise First

Dear Knightley

I have a friend who keeps jumping up behind me and yelling surprise. At first it was cute. Then it was funny. Now it’s getting annoying and he keeps doing it more the more I tell him to stop. Should I kill him? What way would you recommend?

Thanks for the advice,

Plotting

Plotting Murder in Regency Era

Surprise… wait, why do you have that dagger?

Dear Plotting,

From now on I’d suggest carrying a switchblade on your person. The next time you get that tickling, inkling sensation that he’s behind you and about to do it, merely flip out the switchblade and spin around and stab him repeatedly in the chest. Then as you laugh maniacally make sure you yell surprise. See how he likes it.

Sincerely,

Mr Knightley


The Long Distance Dream… or Delusion

Dear Mr Knightley

Senior year ended for me and I’m getting ready to go to college in Vermont, while my girlfriend stays here in Utah. She has this crazy, unrealistic fantasy that we will keep our relationship going long distance. She knows I want to travel, that Vermont is only the beginning and after that I want to move to Europe or Australia. But she also insists that right now she wants to stay closer to her mother, who has leukemia. I feel like a jerk for saying this but, how do I break it off with her?

Thanks,

Eric

Trying to Reach Each Other

Trying to Cross the Distance 

Dear Eric,

Major life choices like this are hard, but its better for her that you don’t leave things open ended or uncertain. It will hurt her and she is in a place where she could really use a shoulder to lean on. But that’s what she has friends and family for right now anyway. The best thing you can do for her is to break it off completely if you plan on breaking it off. Don’t try to give her hope,because that is false hope and she deserves at least your honesty. It will be extremely hard for you,but be strong and be a real man. Have the courage to tell her the truth about how you feel.

Sincerely,

Mr. Knightley