Monthly Archives: July 2013

A Man in Uniform

Dear Mr Knightley

My sister says guys in uniforms are hotter than regular guys (like army and stuff). I think she’s being stupid. Who is right?

-Jessica

Regency Era and Jane Austen inspired clothing

Painting of Some Men In Uniform

Dear Jessica,

The obvious answer is that men in regency era clothing are the hottest. Please see figure A:

Hotties Dressed Regency

Regency Era Hotness

Sincerely,

Mr Knightley

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The Date Drinker

Mr Knightley

My boyfriend says Im more fun when I’ve had a few drinks. On the one hand I like that he isn’t a prude about me drinking. But I worry if that means that he doesnt like sober me. The real me. Should I just go with it? Or am I right to be concerned? And if so, how do I fix it?

-Alcoholic Lover

AlcoholicLover copy

Dear Alcoholic,

While I would never condone alcohol abuse (cough) here’s something for you to consider. One of the effects of inebriation is that it allows you to let go of your inhibitions. So ask yourself, is it that the real you is being masked by the alcohol, or rather, is it that the alcohol is allowing the real you to be seen. And if that is the case, maybe the problem doesn’t lie with the question of alcohol or sobriety, but rather what parts of yourself that you are not comfortable with, and asking yourself why that is. What is there about yourself that you don’t like and why don’t you like it? Why do you feel like that part of you shouldn’t be seen? Are you afraid people won’t like you? Take some introspection and call me in the morning. In the meantime, does your boyfriend not like the sober you? If he likes you regardless then it seems this is more of an internal problem. If he doesn’t like sober you, then he’s an a**hole. Dump his butt.

Sincerely,

Mr Knightley

 


A Name for the Baby

Dear Mr Knightley
My wife and I are about to have our first baby. She wants to name it Lorilai if its a girl and Sigmund if its a boy. I want Mary or Alfie. She hates my ideas. I hate hers. Who gets the final say? She says if I were a real gentleman I would let her pick.

-Siggy’s Father

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Dear Father,

All of those names are terrible. Might I suggest you both compromise and instead go with the name Knightley if its boy and Nightly if it’s a girl?

Best Wishes,

Mr Knightley


Too Much Kinkiness

Knightley

So I work with this girl. And she’s super nice and funny and gorgeous. We’ve gone out for drinks and stuff before. The other night we went to her place afterward and it got a little steamy. But then she pulls out this weird riding crop thing with feathers on it and asked me to “beg for it”. I went along with it but I’m not gonna lie, it made me uncomfortable. Last night I went over and she had left a trail of rose petals throughout her apartment and then I found her (details removed) and that was a bit too much. HELP!!!

-Rose Petals DO NOT belong there

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Dear Petals,

A wise man once said “Don’t Diss It Till You’ve Tried It”. If you have already tried whatever she was doing with the rose petals and you didn’t like it, tell her to back off and go easy. But try it first, you never know, you might actually like it.

Sincerely,

Mr Knightley


The Break

Hi there,
My girlfriend and I are on a break right now. Does that mean I can sleep with other girls? Or would that be cheating?
Break Time

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Dear Break Time,

Ask yourself this. If the positions were reversed would you want your gilrfriend sleeping around with other girls right now? Not if you’re not there, right. Exactly my point.

Be Good,
Mr Knightley


The Shy Guy

Hi there,
I work in a cafe and there’s this boy that comes in all the time. He is quiet and cute. And he always sits by himself and reads. And pretends not to look at me. But then I keep catching him. And I kinda want to talk to him. But he is really shy and I don’t want to scare him away. Should I wait for him to make the first move?
Help
Lindsey

ShyGuy

Dear Lindsey,
He’s not going to make the first move. Go up to him (when you’re not working), pull the book out of his hands and throw it on the table (don’t lose his spot otherwise he’ll hate you forever), yank of his glasses and kiss him long and hard. If he doesn’t respond or doesn’t know what to do next, move on. He’s not worth your time.

Go get him tiger!
Mr Knightley


Revenge Sex

Dear Mr Knightley
My boyfriend cheated on me. And so now I want to get revenge. I want to cheat on him too. But my friend Angela said I shouldn’t because it will just backfire. I think I’m gonna do it. But what do you think.
Thanks,

A Dish Best Served Cold

RevengeSex copy

Dear Dish,
Why on earth would you want to take revenge on your boyfriend by sleeping with someone else. The best way to take revenge on your boyfriend is to pretend that nothing is the matter. Tell him you forgive him. Then one night when he’s not suspecting it, burn the word “CHEATER” on his forehead with a hot brand.

Good Luck,
Mr Knightley