Category Archives: About Love

Love in a Playhouse

Dear Mr Knightley,

About a month ago I began stage-managing for a play (basically I’m the person that keeps everyone in line and makes sure there’s a show to put on after rehearsals are over), and I quickly became attracted to one of the actors. He’s funny, kind, thoughtful, and extremely talented. At first I didn’t think I had a chance (aside from being generally out of my league, he’s also about five years older than me), but we’ve become more and more familiar with each other. He’ll tease me, and joke with me, and recently he’s sought me out to tell me a story just because he thought it’d make me laugh (and it did).

I’ve never really been serious about anyone, but I know I’d be kicking myself forever if I didn’t at least try to…make something of this. Anyway, there’s only a week left of the play, and then I’m not sure if I’ll see him again. I wouldn’t exactly call us friends, so how should I go about…becoming a part of his life, I guess? I don’t want to just ask him out and have that be the end of it. I want to get to know him. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Growing Desperate

 

Don't mix signals

Are they on the same page?

 

Dear Desperate,

 

It can often be difficult to try and navigate the frightening world of relationships. Especially when they begin to bud in a “professional” type setting. You are absolutely right in wanting to take things slow and establish some credibility first.

You might wish to try and ask him to coffee. This does not have to necessarily be a date. It’s simply coffee. During the conversation, try to find out as much about him and his interests as you can. Identify areas of common interest, and ask how he goes about pursuing them. Eventually the subject of events, or meetings or gatherings or conventions will come up. This is your golden opportunity to spend more time with him. To slowly and carefully integrate yourself into his life.

This will also give you a chance to get to know him better. Which means you’ll be able to really tell if you want to be more than friends.

 

Best of Luck,

Mr Knightley

 

 

 

 


How to Be a Gold Digger

Dear Nightly,

What do you think about gold diggers? You know those poeple who use other people’s love to get things? My roommate is currently seeing a man much older than her. I know she doesn’t love him. But he buys are all this stuff so thats why she loves him. She says its the best and I should do it too. How can I become a gold digger?

-PlatinumB*tch

Sugar Daddy

Now I aint saying she’s a gold digger…

Dear Platinum,

The best way to go about getting what is commonly known as a “sugar daddy” is to work at a high end cocktail and cigar bar, on a golf course, or as a maid for hire to a rich family. You must act confident, aloof, and wear slightly revealing clothing. Focus on making your backside look well, since that tends to be somewhat of a fixation for older, wealthier men. Then, you must act as if the jokes he tells are extremely funny. Don’t always let him slap your backside. Sometimes act uninterested. This way, you will real him in until finally you have him hooked. Just be warned, a younger or prettier girl could easily steal him away, so be on your guard. Do not let any competitor live… or at least walk away.

Best of luck on your endeavors,

Mr Knightley

 


How to Write a Letter of Unrequited Love

Dear mr knightley

I’m in love with a boy who doesn’t love me. I’ve decided to write him a latter about how I feel. But I don’t know what to say. What would you write?

Sincerely,
Wordless

Sent from my iPhone

quil letter written regency era

What to say, what to say…

Dear Wordless,

Well. If I were to write a letter such as this it would probably begin by saying how very glad I am that he is reading the letter. Then I would use that to transition into saying how he makes me happy.

Some men (who shan’t be mentioned) might say how in vain they have struggled but how it is not to be helped. That they ardently love. Against their reason and better judgement. While this sounds romantic it is in fact a bad idea. Because you would be telling the person you love that you wish you didn’t have to love them but you have to. Like getting a bad pair of stockings for Christmas and having to wear them.

I would be honest and genuin. I would say how I feel. And also that I understand that he doesn’t feel the same way. And that this letter does not come with any new expectation. That it is simply something I must get off my chest to be honest.

Of course, I would then also add that perhaps at the next village ball I may enjoy a dance or merely a turn about the room. Your gentleman friend may be a bit more at ease with that.

Best of luck, Wordless. May you find the right words.

Cordially,
Mr Knightley


The Long Distance Dream… or Delusion

Dear Mr Knightley

Senior year ended for me and I’m getting ready to go to college in Vermont, while my girlfriend stays here in Utah. She has this crazy, unrealistic fantasy that we will keep our relationship going long distance. She knows I want to travel, that Vermont is only the beginning and after that I want to move to Europe or Australia. But she also insists that right now she wants to stay closer to her mother, who has leukemia. I feel like a jerk for saying this but, how do I break it off with her?

Thanks,

Eric

Trying to Reach Each Other

Trying to Cross the Distance 

Dear Eric,

Major life choices like this are hard, but its better for her that you don’t leave things open ended or uncertain. It will hurt her and she is in a place where she could really use a shoulder to lean on. But that’s what she has friends and family for right now anyway. The best thing you can do for her is to break it off completely if you plan on breaking it off. Don’t try to give her hope,because that is false hope and she deserves at least your honesty. It will be extremely hard for you,but be strong and be a real man. Have the courage to tell her the truth about how you feel.

Sincerely,

Mr. Knightley


Too Much Kinkiness

Knightley

So I work with this girl. And she’s super nice and funny and gorgeous. We’ve gone out for drinks and stuff before. The other night we went to her place afterward and it got a little steamy. But then she pulls out this weird riding crop thing with feathers on it and asked me to “beg for it”. I went along with it but I’m not gonna lie, it made me uncomfortable. Last night I went over and she had left a trail of rose petals throughout her apartment and then I found her (details removed) and that was a bit too much. HELP!!!

-Rose Petals DO NOT belong there

Image

Dear Petals,

A wise man once said “Don’t Diss It Till You’ve Tried It”. If you have already tried whatever she was doing with the rose petals and you didn’t like it, tell her to back off and go easy. But try it first, you never know, you might actually like it.

Sincerely,

Mr Knightley


The Break

Hi there,
My girlfriend and I are on a break right now. Does that mean I can sleep with other girls? Or would that be cheating?
Break Time

Image

Dear Break Time,

Ask yourself this. If the positions were reversed would you want your gilrfriend sleeping around with other girls right now? Not if you’re not there, right. Exactly my point.

Be Good,
Mr Knightley


Revenge Sex

Dear Mr Knightley
My boyfriend cheated on me. And so now I want to get revenge. I want to cheat on him too. But my friend Angela said I shouldn’t because it will just backfire. I think I’m gonna do it. But what do you think.
Thanks,

A Dish Best Served Cold

RevengeSex copy

Dear Dish,
Why on earth would you want to take revenge on your boyfriend by sleeping with someone else. The best way to take revenge on your boyfriend is to pretend that nothing is the matter. Tell him you forgive him. Then one night when he’s not suspecting it, burn the word “CHEATER” on his forehead with a hot brand.

Good Luck,
Mr Knightley


The Lesbian Lover

Dear Mr Knightley

I dated a girl for five years and we were engaged for six months. Then she realized she was actually a lesbian and well, we didn’t last much longer after that.
Anyway, the problem is that she and her girlfriend (Kris) are getting married in Canada this July and they have invited me
She was my best friend for a long time. We even grew up together. Our families have known each other for a long time too. But since she called off the engagement we haven’t really talked much. Once over skype and that was it.
So what should I do? I feel like this could be potentially very awkward and yet I also feel like its her special day and if she wants me there I should go, I guess. Even if I hate it.

Thanks for your imput,
Matrimonially Confused

TheLesbians

Dear Confused,

Attend. You never know who you might meet at a wedding. Plenty of attractive prospects. *wink* Bring your gentlemanly game face.

Sincerely,
Mr Knightley


The Almost Murder

Dear Mrs Jenings, 

My husband recently returned from the war in Afghanistan. He’s been acting strangely and not like himself. He spends most of his days sitting on the couch staring at the blank tv or in his garage cleaning his knives. I feel like I live with a complete stranger. I thought that if I were to try and talk to him then maybe he’d open up about what happened so I can help fix him. But instead he got angry. Very angry. He started yelling and screaming and pulled out one of his knives. He was saying that I was attacking him and that I should just accept him as he is instead of trying to change him. But he’s the one who has changed! Anyway, he sort of snapped out of it and dropped the knife and then started crying and apologizing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel safe around him anymore. Please help. 

-Tam 

Loosing his Temper

Dear Tam,

Well, now, love is like that sometimes, is it not. One moment you’re perfectly happy and the next you can’t stand to be around the person. Lovers’ quarrels are quick to mend though, so don’t fear too much my dear. And many a man has gone through things that causes them to change. Few people, yourself included, always stay the same way, I wager. Now, regarding this whole knife collection business, well, men need their hobbies. You should consider yourself lucky he didn’t take up shooting instead. Its easier to pull a knife back then to pull shot back.

Now, that all being said, while attempted murder of a spouse is certainly not unheard of, I do think it is in bad taste, at least in the current fashions. So it would seem best to avoid your demise. There are several ways of doing this. You could ask him to see a therapist but he probably won’t and most likely would just get angry again. You could just leave him, but that’s in bad taste too, since you will have to live with this unresolved at the back of your mind. Also, many a man thrown into a situation like that, especially the unstable ones, have actually gone after the women who left them. And once again your unfortunate end would seem unavoidable. So it would seem the best course of action, when you can’t change the other person, is to seem to change yourself. You’ll notice I said, seem. That is because once you have the appearance of acquiescence his guard will be lowered and you will find your influence much easier over him.

Best of luck my dear, and do not get too discouraged if it takes a bit of time. Sometimes you can simply wear a man down. They like to think that they are so strong and solid but they all give in eventually. They always do. Just keep at it.

Mrs. Jenings


Dog Eat Dog World

Dear Mr. Knightley,

My fiancee is a dog person. I am not. Probably because I’m slightly allergic to them and probably because I was bit by one when I was a kid. So she has this german shepherd named Tag. He’s friendly and lovable, at least thats what everyone tells me. Because you see, Tag hates me. I mean, completely hates me. I don’t know if he’s just protective of her or whatever but he barks at me constantly and growls at me and won’t let me come near him. She says he just has to get use to me, but we’ve been dating for over two years and he still acts the same way. Now I’m fine with us keeping the dog, as long as it stays outside and everything. But she won’t even hear a word of it, because she treats it like its a person. I mean, she lets him sit on the couches and sleep in her bed. Which will definitely be a problem very very soon. I think it just has to go. She says that Tag is like her baby and she can’t just give him up. And then she gets all angry at me saying that I am trying to make her choose between us. What am I supposed to do? I mean, I love her. I really do. And I am willing to work and try to make it work. But the dog is the problem and I feel like she’s not even willing to think about the consequences for me. Is there anyway of fixing this or should I just suck it up and try to get by?

– Inthe Doghouse

Aint nothing but a houndog

 

Dear Inthe,

Your situation is definitely going to require a lot of finesse on your part. You obviously love this woman and want to make her happy, even if the situation is somewhat uncomfortable for you. And she probably wants to be able to keep Tag and you at the same time. The first step, would be communicating. Its essential that you are clear that you are not trying to keep her from Tag. And that you are willing to make some sacrifices. Setting her at ease will then open up the channels for finding compromise. It does not have to be an either-or situation. There are in fact several different options.

If you allergy is not too severe, you may be able to treat it with some simple allergen medication. This takes care of at least part of the problem. You may also attempt to reach a compromise with your fiancee in that, maybe Tag can be allowed in the house, but not on the couches or beds. Or something to that extent.

As long as she knows you are making the effort to accommodate her and Tag, she will most likely also be willing to accommodate your concerns as well. Instead of viewing this as a burden or obstacle, see this as a perfect opportunity for the two of you to practice communication, problem solving, and compromise for your coming life together. With the right mind set this can become a positive bonding experience.

Cordially,

Mr. Knightley